In what can only be described as the most delusional move since someone tried to teach Charles Barkley a proper swing, Roger “Slice” Morrow has officially challenged Braxton “Fairway” West to a head-to-head golf match.
Presented by: Delusion. Sponsored by Hope. Broadcast in 240p for Roger’s dignity.
Roger. Challenged. Braxton.
This is the golf equivalent of bringing a pool noodle to a sword fight. It’s unclear what possessed Roger—too much sun? A recent blackjack Table? A Luke warm Busch Light? Regardless, he made the grave mistake of stepping into something he had no business being part of. He opened his mouth, and now he’s teeing off into a world of pain.
Braxton, a man so dominant on the course that Pro V1s beg not to be hit by him, took this as what he assumed was a charity event. “I forgot I signed up for the Make-A-Wish Foundation,” Braxton said after seeing Roger’s name on the match card. “I just didn’t realize I was the wish.”
For fairness, there’s been talk that Braxton might only bring three clubs and wear a blindfold, just to give Roger a sliver of hope. Even then, Vegas odds still have Braxton at -10000.
Meanwhile, Roger has been seen practicing from the forward tees, or as Braxton calls them: the “Junior Varsity Ladies’ Launchpads.” It’s the only way this match remains remotely competitive without invoking mercy rules or CPR training for bystanders witnessing the carnage.
Let’s be honest. Roger is a decent guy. He means well. But so do labradoodles—and you don’t see them stepping up to challenge Tiger Woods. Watching him take on Braxton is like watching a toddler try to drive a Ferrari: it’s cute, but someone’s going to get hurt (emotionally, mostly Roger).
Live Vegas Odds:
- Braxton wins by 10+ strokes: -2500
- Roger finds the fairway off the tee: +850
- Roger finishes all 18 without a meltdown: +1500
- Roger fakes an injury on hole 12: -110
If you’re planning on betting the over on Roger’s lost balls — the current line is set at 7.5 — experts say, “hammer it.”
The Fulton Country Club board reportedly tried to cancel the match after reviewing Roger’s last GHIN update, which simply said: “Yikes.”
As of press time, a local youth program has offered to provide Roger a free swing evaluation after Saturday’s round. “It’s about growth and learning,” said Coach Willy. “We teach kids how to grip the club, aim at the fairway, and most importantly, recognize when a matchup is a terrible idea.”
“The Mismatch at Magnolia: Braxton West vs. Roger Morrow”
Live Coverage Begins Saturday at 10:00am CST | Streaming on ESPN+: Embarrassment Edition
Fulton Country Club – Fulton, Mississippi
Par 35 | 9 Holes | 1 Reckless Ego | 1 Certified Problem
Player Profiles:
Braxton “Fairway” West
- Handicap: +1
- Strengths: Precision, distance, charisma, electric
- Weaknesses: Occasionally forgets he’s playing a mortal / Too Many Beers
- Notable Quote: “I thought this was a charity outing. I didn’t realize I was the charity.”
Roger “Slice” Morrow
- Notable Quote: “I beat Braxton… in a dream once. Then I woke up with a pulled hammy.”
- Handicap: 21 (on a simulator… indoors… with mulligans)
- Strengths: Optimism, Beer Cooler Preparation, teeing it up again after a triple
- Weaknesses: Driving, iron play, putting, scoring, accuracy, confidence, decision-making
Head-to-Head Comparison:
| Category | Braxton West | Roger Morrow |
|---|---|---|
| Driving Accuracy | 87% | 12% (with a tailwind) |
| Greens in Regulation | 78% | “What’s a green?” |
| Trash Talk Rating | 8.9/10 | Crying by Hole 6 |
| Average Score | 73 | 102 (conservatively) |
| Mental Fortitude | Tiger-esque | Mentally in 4-putt recovery |
| Putter Used | Scotty Cameron | Something from a mini golf course |
The Fall of Uncle Roger’s Casino: A 2-Week Dynasty Crumbles
In a turn of events so tragic Shakespeare himself would’ve wept, Roger “Slice” Morrow has officially lost the naming rights and emotional custody of Uncle Roger’s Casino… after a historic 14-day run as the proud (and delusional) owner.
Sources say the rights were wagered in a gentleman’s agreement before Saturday’s match — a bold move from a man whose golf swing looks like a fishing rod caught in a ceiling fan.
“I just wanted to believe,” Roger said post-round, still in his cart, engine running, eyes glazed with regret and electrolytes. “I thought this was my moment. My empire. My legacy. My casino…”
Instead, he now has to drive home and explain to his wife and children that their dreams of a family-run fake casino empire have vanished — all because Dad couldn’t make a 4-foot putt without yipping like a chihuahua in a thunderstorm.
Witnesses say Roger muttered “It’s just a name” over and over as he packed his clubs in silence… and accidentally loaded them into Braxton’s trunk.
“I’m not mad,” his wife reportedly said. “I’m just embarrassed to be married to someone who triples the opening hole and still trash-talks.”
His 8-year-old son, who had drawn up blackjack table sketches for the garage, simply whispered, “We trusted you,” before turning away.
R.I.P. Uncle Roger’s Casino (July 2 – July 16, 2025)
You were gone too soon. And also, you never really existed.
The Rough Report 
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