The Rough Report

Once a Regular, Now a Rarity

It wasn’t long ago that Blake Wigginton was a staple of the weekend golf crew. Rain or shine, hungover or hyped—Blake was there. Now? He shows up about once every three months, usually unannounced, wearing a dust-covered shirt and claiming he’s “just stopping by before running tile.”

“He was reliable once,” said longtime friend Will Faulkner. “Now I see Bigfoot more often than Blake.”

The House That May Not Exist

For the past three years, Blake has blamed his absence on “building a house.” There’s just one problem—no one’s ever seen it. No address. Just pictures. Just vague talk about custom cabinets.

Local rumor has it the house is either:

• A Sims build he abandoned in 2022
• A single slab of concrete in rural Mississippi
• Or located in the back of the Memphis Zoo, near the gorilla exhibits.

Monkey Exhibit Enthusiast

Sources confirm Blake spends an alarming amount of free time near the monkey exhibits. Not just a visit—annual pass holder, known by name. Staff at the zoo have described him as “gentle, observant, and occasionally confused for a volunteer.”

“He connects with them,” said one zookeeper. “Especially the one that throws bananas instead of eating them. That’s Blake energy.”

Former Golfer, Current Struggler

At his peak, Blake was a 7 handicap. Now? He’s a walking triple bogey, averaging 4 lost balls per 9 and struggling to break 100 on courses with no water and no sand.

Recent stats:

• Drives: 237 yards right into the woods
• Putter: Hot and cold, mostly cold
• Emotional support: Needs it on every hole
• Handicap: “Yes.”

“I didn’t know it was possible to top three consecutive tee shots until I saw Blake last month in our two man golf tournament,” said Will Faulkner playing partner. “It was inspiring… in a warning kind of way.”

“It was like his clubs forgot how to be golf equipment,”

“I played solo on Sunday,” Faulkner said. “Blake was technically there, but spiritually? His game stayed home to grout the shower.”

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Possibly Missing

Despite rumors of an 84 he “almost shot at TCC,” Blake is now considered semi-missing.

Authorities last spotted him:

• At Lowe’s lumber section talking to himself
• Putting on a green at the zoo’s mini golf fundraiser
• Telling monkeys they “wouldn’t understand the stress of foundation permits.”